FLATULOMETRIC CHART

Williams, Ben 1:08 PM

Remember how we talked about the attributes of a fart? And how I compared it to a build-a-character type feature on a video game?

Lewis, Jon 1:09 PM

mmm

Williams, Ben 1:10 PM

I only have room for 4 attributes, so i've chosen Duration, Odor, Noise, and Moisture.

so if you have 100% to use in a 400% chart, then all attributes will be equal or one will be loaded. hense the silent but deadly ghost fart

Lewis, Jon 1:12 PM

mmm

aern't duration and noise directly related?

aren't

Williams, Ben 1:13 PM

no, I can fart right now and it could be 1 second long and you might hear it... you might not

Lewis, Jon 1:13 PM

well, unless you counted how long your rosebud was flexing during a silent one

right

what you said

Williams, Ben 1:16 PM

so.. by flexing, sphincter boy, you are effectively calling an audibule right before the snap and you're turning down the volume, hense strengthening the duration and odor.

Lewis, Jon 1:16 PM

im

i'm still not sur ei'm on board with the duration, and moisture

those are two elements that can't be measured from an outside source

Williams, Ben 1:17 PM

duration can be measured by a time keeper.

moisture, i can see you're argument

Lewis, Jon 1:18 PM

yes, but only if it's audible. otherwise, you'd have to be like "ok...go!" and then "stop"

i feel like taking the human element out of the measurment will make the overall resulting fart data more scientific and concrete

Williams, Ben 1:19 PM

but simple physics states that the same force behind a fluid (in this case, movement of air) will produce a greater velocity when passing thru a smaller diameter

Lewis, Jon 1:20 PM

i propose a "flexomoter" invention that takes audibility out of the equation all together, and bases the duration of flattus on butthole expansion and contraction

an anal callipar, if you will

iper

Williams, Ben 1:22 PM

so if you pucker up, then you get a higher pitch. There is also a technique where you can let a little out at a time, and i believe that by doing this, you're letting the little bastard brew longer and thus more dense

Williams, Ben 1:28 PM

i think audibility is determined by the willingness of the body. Suppressing the sound in effort to achieve secrecy will greatly increase the odor levels.

..where as the same fart that was cause to evacuate the room once had the possibility to be just a barking spider and a few giggles and funny looks, but no odorous embarrassment

Lewis, Jon 1:30 PM

hmm

i think odor is predetirmined prior to reatching the point of no return. i think it has to do with what you ate.

Cunningham, Sean 1:36 PM

are you suggesting variations of ammunition?

Williams, Ben 1:36 PM

damn. good argument. so then that causes me to believe that duration and noise are the only things that the operator has the ability to manipulate since they are inversely related

Horsley, Mark 1:37 PM

but both can be controled by the amount of push, right?

Williams, Ben 1:38 PM

Right. Force behind the fart. But i strongly believe that its predetermined before its in the chamber.

afterward force can be added or suppressed

Horsley, Mark 1:38 PM

force as a modifier, gotchya

Cunningham, Sean 1:38 PM

idk about that, because some times when it is entering the chamber you are forced to understand that you will have no control over the push.

Horsley, Mark 1:39 PM

or pushing will lead to solid movement

Cunningham, Sean 1:39 PM

so i guess that could mean chamber compression is a factor as well.

Williams, Ben 1:39 PM

so lets say that what you're descrbibing is a warning shot.

Lewis, Jon 1:40 PM

yeah sometimes you can feel a real beefer that just occurs. the only control you have over it is holding it while you rush to a secluded area

Williams, Ben 1:40 PM

i'd like to treat warning shots as a different animal

Cunningham, Sean 1:43 PM

its almost like a psi gauge... you know when its gonna red line so you get away as fast as you lose control and it blows

Williams, Ben 1:47 PM

do you think that if you're trigger shy, then you are effectively loading your magazine? That would explain the added pressure... then again it could be possible that the introduction of new air ammo could result in either 1) nice, well-behaved single file order leading to one fart after another.. or 2) the joining of masses creating one large torpedo.

... either situation wouldn't be likely to control

Stay Regular

"SPECIAL" POWERS

TV shows and movies portray special powers originating from accidents, mutations in evolution, or even normal traits of humanoid aliens. I like Stan Lee's approach on the X-Men because he portrays special powers as genetic hiccups, and the beholder is initially afraid of his or her defect. This helps me believe that its not that distant of an actuality, and it may be possible for me to have a special power.

It seems to me that the X-Men are all different pieces on the chess board and Superman is the queen who basically embodies all powers. I'm not excited about that: he's too super. I like when characters have just one or two powers. In fact, I like to think that those who have special powers are still subject to handicaps, thus making them even more similar to me, a non-powered individual. In turn, this also fuels my excitement that powers may really exist.

When I imagine a handicap on a power, I think that one could still have that power, but not in a totally efficient way. Then I don't feel so bad for not having powers.

• What if there is a boy in Massachusetts who has the ability to fly, but during flight he is only able to move 5mph? He would be able to reach things, but not zoom across the country..

• What if there is a woman in Portland who has X-ray vision, but she can only see a maximum of 10 yards away when using her ability? If she wanted to use her gift, she it would be pretty obvious in some cases...

• What if there is a man in Chicago who is able to run at the speed of sound, but he has OCD and must come to a complete stop every mile to untie and re-tie his shoes?

• What if there is a girl in Phoenix who can hear people's thoughts, but she has Tourette's Syndrome, and she screams, "I'M IN YOUR HEAD" when she reads minds?

Believing that people with special powers are also subject to a handicap makes me think that I might have a handicapped special power.. I have always wondered. Maybe I do - and maybe someone very close to me has special powers, but we just don't know. The reason we don't know this is probably because we assume the skill or ability that we have is normal to everyone. In past think time I have reflected on my life and have come to believe that I actually do have a few special powers.

I have noticed that on summer nights, when everyone else is complaning about being "eaten alive" by mosquitos, I am unharmed and comfortable. This can only mean that my sweat glands are able to produce a potent repellant only detectable by insects. My handicap is that when I do sweat, it's not nice to my clothes. For some reason, some of my dress shirts look like they have glitter pits.. go figure.

Also, I believe that I have the ability to run efficiently on very little sleep. I can limit myself to as little as 3 hours of sleep per night for a week or so. All while waking up fully recharged. My only handicap is that it kills my immune system and end up sick on the couch for 2-3 days. I'm still working out the kinks of this special power.

If you feel handicapped, search for your power. I am certain it's there.

Good luck & Stay Regular

ARCHARCADE

I like to pat myself on the back sometimes for my ability to remember things. Sometimes I can recall that Dad left his 20oz Diet Pepsi on the shelf in the magazine aisle when we went into visit Mom at work. Other times I can resurrect unique third grade knowledge to help me answer trivia questions, or just to be a smartass. I sometimes like to bring up the order of operations and state that 2+2x2=6 and not 8. I also like to brag that I can remember that SCUBA stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. And that "goldenrod adorned log" is a palindrome sentence.

However, in the past few years I have stumbled upon some things that I do not know, and things that I can't seem to remember. Things that I have no way of figuring out. Things that only God knows about... so I have developed a theory. A wish, if I may.

I believe that once St. Peter let's me thru the gates of heaven, there will be a huge terminal and a long line of automated statistic machines. I will run up to any one of these and it will already know who I am by face recognition or some other heavenly magical technique. I can type in and ask it any question and POOF! it will give me the answer. For instance, I can ask, "How did I lose my iPod in 2007?" It will respond with a 3rd person video of the events leading up to and including the separation of me from my iPod. This video will be in the form of a John Madden video game replay where I can stop, play, or rewind the video, as well as move frame by frame as I please. I will be able to control the camera angle from any position above, below or around during the playback. I can choose to hear the actual dialogue or the thoughts of the parties involved. I can even choose to fixate on the iPod itself to find out where it is now. The statistic machine will also give me a readout of good vs bad on the situation. Perhaps it will tell me that if I had kept my iPod, then a few months later I might have kept my eyes on it (and not on the road) just long enough to cause a serious accident.

And if I ask, "in terms of volume, how much have I peed during my lifetime?" then the Archarcade will show me a colorful graph comparing liquid intake vs output. I can then further break down the information to see the levels of each liquid type that I have consumed. Who knows, it might even show that i have actually ingested pee (gross). As an added bonus I can also see my personal record for longest pee time (I'm guessing that it's close to a minute and a half).

So after having developed a complete idea for the Archarcade, I have become very eager to have some questions answered. Naturally, I have started to develop a list of things that I would like to plug into this machine, and not surprisingly, it keeps growing. This is what I have so far:

1) What ever happened to my high school soccer jersey with my last name on the back? Did I lose it in a move, or did someone take it? Where is it now?

2) What long term purpose did my parked car serve when the lady hit it while texting and driving?
- a) what about 44 days later when the drunk/high guy hit my replacement car parked in the same spot?

3) Have I had any close calls with death that I don't know about?

4) What percentage of my life have I been asleep?
- a) What is the longest stretch of time that I have been awake. What is the world record?

5) What percentage of my life have I been drunk? How did I compare on a worldly average?

4) How many spiders have I eaten in my sleep?

5) What would God consider my best day on Earth?

6) How much money have I found in my lifetime? Who lost it before I found it? Were they able to get by?

So that's what I think about on my spare time. More revelations to come.

Stay regular.

EFFECTIVE PARENT COMMUNICATION

MOTHERLESS MADNESS

START ONE ONE OFF WITH FUN

During my recent thinkage in the past two months, mainly during the composition of a resolution list for myself for the year, I have started thinking about a new decade resolution list. I have become uncomfortably aware of some things in this world that have snuck their way into this new decade, despite being out dated. The shelf life on many goings-on has reached its end, but I have carefully collected a few to encorporate into some changes that I would like to help make. We have all made New Year's resolutions, but lets make some new decade resolutions. Starting... Now!

1 - LET'S STOP USING THE WORD "LIKE" AS A SPACE FILLER

This 'ism probably dates back to the early nineties and should have died well before we all were presumed to have our own hover boards. It has certainly grown from the gum chewing, hair twirling valley girls at Bayside into the mouths of elected officials. Public speaking has been infiltrated, and any "..um" space has only been replaced with "...like, um.." The proper way to stall is to not say anything. At the very least just start the sentence over. But, to like say like the word "like" like twenty times in a sentence is like getting pretty annoying. Then again, so are the people who count the "likes" (I'm very guilty).

On a side note: it really is possible that stories can be told in a way that captures a subject's mood without sounding like an idiot. For instance:

Before 2011 - "So, I was like "what?!" and she was all like "oh, you know."

Starting 2011 - "So, she rudely asked me what I was talking about, so I said, "Oh, you know."

2 - LET'S STOP MAKING SONGS THAT SPELL OUT WORDS

To my knowledge, ever since iTunes has ruled the music purchasing world, the $.99 download has been the hot item. Some artist's are cranking out music by the litter, and they're all geniuses because the public gobbles them all up. Its demand and supply. There is a need for a catchy tune with a fun chorus to sing, so artists just make a beat and throw something together. If you have a tough time selling, then throw in some autotune and call it a day. Its as easy as "I'm on a Boat."

The annoying thing is that too many songs have filled up space by spelling words. It started off tasteful, but then it got ridiculous, and it hasn't grown any better. Think of all the songs that fit this mold:

Aretha Franklin - "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"

Bay City Rollers - "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!"

Autovac - "R-O-CK in the U-S-A"

Partners in Kryme - "T-U-R-T-L-E POWER"

Fergie - "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S"

Gwen Stefani - "B-A-N-A-N-A-S"

Webbie - "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T"

Jason Derulo - "S-O-L-O"

Please no more.

3 - LET'S STOP SPEAKING ACRONISTICALLY

Acronyms are given to phrases or multi-word names in order to shorten them for ease of communication. This can either be written or spoken communication. For instance, "self contained underwater breathing apparatus" was given the acronym SCUBA, and "light amplification stimulated by emission of radiation" was given the acronym LASER. In both cases, the letters making up the acronym have created a new word. This is how it is done. The acronym OMG was conceived in order to ease text type, which is understandable. But when did it become cool to say "Oh em gee?" There's really no logical reason to ever say it because the acronym spoken as letters uses the same amount of syllables as the words themselves. To speak the letters of WTF is actually using more work than its word association - its actually two more syllables. If its a matter of preservation of little ears, then I'm sure its a lost cause because those ears are on either side of an inquisitive mind, and you will then have to lie and say the "F" stands for fruit. Besides, its easier just say "What the F?" Sadly, its only getting worse. We're already making reference to television shows by speaking their acronyms - where can we ever draw the line if we don't nip this in the bud right now? I admit that I sometimes have a lot of fun with this, but I feel that I need to stop.

4 - LET'S START BEING MORE TECH-CURTEOUS TO EACHOTHER

I admit that when I'm driving down the road and I see another person texting in the car next to me, I get pretty upset. I'm not very confident in that particular person's ability to control a motor vehicle with two eyes back and forth from the road to the phone. However, I have full confidence that I can effectively knee steer while tying the laces on my left shoe as I'm running late. In light of the texting while walking accident, I feel like we've hit our low point. The technology hype has had its time to come and go. Our excitement with the new toys can understandably take over every waking moment. With the start of the new decade, lets be smart and tell these gizmos whos boss. Lets put them down and be curteous to eachother. All of us have horns for emergencies, and not for hipocritical anger. Some people are in a hurry, and some people are just out for a cruise, but we're all part of the same traffic. I'm going to start leaving earlier to make sure I can have enough time to get where I'm going, and I'm going to act like the driver that I want you to be. I encourage everyone to adopt the same behavior.

5 - LET'S ELIMINATE TROPHIES FOR PARTICIPATION

No child left behind is, in some ways, similar to coddling. Tell me how hearing "You're not a loser, you're just the last winner" makes a kid feel any better. And how does the kid who put in the extra effort feel about getting a trophy for winning when its only slightly bigger than the 5th place trophy. There's no incentive to work hard because everyone is basically equal. Competitions are starting to become as socialized as the government. I understand that in some cases its about an organization making money, but how about being popular with prestige and not by offering fabulous prizes?

Lets go back to a trophy for first place, a medal for second and third, and participation ribbons for everyone else - if they're lucky. This is what builds character.

My intent here is not to be negative. Its tough love, I suppose. Lets throw out everything that has spoiled. 'cause we're starting to rot. Lets look back and laugh at the silliness that was the Double-Os, or the Oughts, or the '90s extended..

PLAN SHOPPING

In 1960 The Miracles wrote the song Shop Around. Its primarily about a long line of teaching that women need to find the best bargain with a man.

Shopping is a good thing. Its smart to look for the best deal. The definition of a deal varies greatly with reasons both real and fake, but its still good to shop for it. For all practical purposes, shopping can be called sport to some.

Of course if it truly is a sport, then it has a high female participation, similar to that of the wild - where the lioness does the majority of the hunting. And I'm sure there is a male reciprocal where a guy walks in the door - knows exactly what he wants - picks it up - pays for it, and goes home. Don't talk to him. Don't flash new items in his face. He has one purpose, and it is not to be distracted.

But, because of its hunter-gatherer mentality, shopping is quite impersonal. It needs to stay on this animate to inanimate relationship. Because of the recent tendency for it not to, there seems to be a new sport emerging that I like to call Plan Shopping. I understand that a plan is somewhat of an inanimate object, but this contract directly relates to both parties within. It is a form of shopping that is very personal. Participation includes boys and girls of all ages, and Its inclusion is growing quite rapidly. Contrarily, its popularity is remaining very low on all polls. The purpose of plan shopping seems to be the same as any other form of shopping. It has the usual get-the-best-deal-possible-because-I-want-to-look-out-for-me-because-I'm-number-one mentality. This mentality is terrible because it objectifies friends and family.

I expect that the typical plan shopping conversation plays to the tune of:

A) "What are you doing tonight?"

B) "Nothing much, not sure yet, why? what's up?"

A) "Just calling to see what you were doing... Wanna hang later?"

B) " ...Oh, well I do have to do this thing with these guys.. I'm not sure yet. I'll call you later if I'm free "

What? "Nothing Much" evolved into "Kinda Something" within seconds. This conversation tells me, "Well.., you were in the running for my priority, that's why I heard you out, but you didn't have a strong enough offer, so you didn't make the cut. Sorry. I'll just keep my options open."

We all plan shop one way or another, but why do we do it? We all know that it has put us in a sticky situation in the past by hurting our friends or making us feel over booked. Still, why do we continue to play this sport if we know that its so passively violent?

There are other ways to plan shop without directly shopping. See conversation 2:

A) "Do you have plans for the evening?"

B) "None that I know of."

None that you know of!? If you don't remember them, then they aren't very important. When you blow me off for them later I will feel devastated. It makes me feel like your presence is in high demand, or you are heavily sponsored. Obviously you are contractually obligated to make appearances, and your assistant keeps your schedule. I understand that you haven't talked to said assistant yet today. It makes sense now that you don't know of any plans yet. That's life, I guess. Congratulations on your success.

All joking aside, it seems that the cost of admission into the sport of plan shopping is our own personal integrity. Lets keep the bargain hunting out of our social life. My momma told me that I better shop around, but I suggest we retire and keep our word as our bond.