FLATULOMETRIC CHART

Williams, Ben 1:08 PM

Remember how we talked about the attributes of a fart? And how I compared it to a build-a-character type feature on a video game?

Lewis, Jon 1:09 PM

mmm

Williams, Ben 1:10 PM

I only have room for 4 attributes, so i've chosen Duration, Odor, Noise, and Moisture.

so if you have 100% to use in a 400% chart, then all attributes will be equal or one will be loaded. hense the silent but deadly ghost fart

Lewis, Jon 1:12 PM

mmm

aern't duration and noise directly related?

aren't

Williams, Ben 1:13 PM

no, I can fart right now and it could be 1 second long and you might hear it... you might not

Lewis, Jon 1:13 PM

well, unless you counted how long your rosebud was flexing during a silent one

right

what you said

Williams, Ben 1:16 PM

so.. by flexing, sphincter boy, you are effectively calling an audibule right before the snap and you're turning down the volume, hense strengthening the duration and odor.

Lewis, Jon 1:16 PM

im

i'm still not sur ei'm on board with the duration, and moisture

those are two elements that can't be measured from an outside source

Williams, Ben 1:17 PM

duration can be measured by a time keeper.

moisture, i can see you're argument

Lewis, Jon 1:18 PM

yes, but only if it's audible. otherwise, you'd have to be like "ok...go!" and then "stop"

i feel like taking the human element out of the measurment will make the overall resulting fart data more scientific and concrete

Williams, Ben 1:19 PM

but simple physics states that the same force behind a fluid (in this case, movement of air) will produce a greater velocity when passing thru a smaller diameter

Lewis, Jon 1:20 PM

i propose a "flexomoter" invention that takes audibility out of the equation all together, and bases the duration of flattus on butthole expansion and contraction

an anal callipar, if you will

iper

Williams, Ben 1:22 PM

so if you pucker up, then you get a higher pitch. There is also a technique where you can let a little out at a time, and i believe that by doing this, you're letting the little bastard brew longer and thus more dense

Williams, Ben 1:28 PM

i think audibility is determined by the willingness of the body. Suppressing the sound in effort to achieve secrecy will greatly increase the odor levels.

..where as the same fart that was cause to evacuate the room once had the possibility to be just a barking spider and a few giggles and funny looks, but no odorous embarrassment

Lewis, Jon 1:30 PM

hmm

i think odor is predetirmined prior to reatching the point of no return. i think it has to do with what you ate.

Cunningham, Sean 1:36 PM

are you suggesting variations of ammunition?

Williams, Ben 1:36 PM

damn. good argument. so then that causes me to believe that duration and noise are the only things that the operator has the ability to manipulate since they are inversely related

Horsley, Mark 1:37 PM

but both can be controled by the amount of push, right?

Williams, Ben 1:38 PM

Right. Force behind the fart. But i strongly believe that its predetermined before its in the chamber.

afterward force can be added or suppressed

Horsley, Mark 1:38 PM

force as a modifier, gotchya

Cunningham, Sean 1:38 PM

idk about that, because some times when it is entering the chamber you are forced to understand that you will have no control over the push.

Horsley, Mark 1:39 PM

or pushing will lead to solid movement

Cunningham, Sean 1:39 PM

so i guess that could mean chamber compression is a factor as well.

Williams, Ben 1:39 PM

so lets say that what you're descrbibing is a warning shot.

Lewis, Jon 1:40 PM

yeah sometimes you can feel a real beefer that just occurs. the only control you have over it is holding it while you rush to a secluded area

Williams, Ben 1:40 PM

i'd like to treat warning shots as a different animal

Cunningham, Sean 1:43 PM

its almost like a psi gauge... you know when its gonna red line so you get away as fast as you lose control and it blows

Williams, Ben 1:47 PM

do you think that if you're trigger shy, then you are effectively loading your magazine? That would explain the added pressure... then again it could be possible that the introduction of new air ammo could result in either 1) nice, well-behaved single file order leading to one fart after another.. or 2) the joining of masses creating one large torpedo.

... either situation wouldn't be likely to control

Stay Regular

"SPECIAL" POWERS

TV shows and movies portray special powers originating from accidents, mutations in evolution, or even normal traits of humanoid aliens. I like Stan Lee's approach on the X-Men because he portrays special powers as genetic hiccups, and the beholder is initially afraid of his or her defect. This helps me believe that its not that distant of an actuality, and it may be possible for me to have a special power.

It seems to me that the X-Men are all different pieces on the chess board and Superman is the queen who basically embodies all powers. I'm not excited about that: he's too super. I like when characters have just one or two powers. In fact, I like to think that those who have special powers are still subject to handicaps, thus making them even more similar to me, a non-powered individual. In turn, this also fuels my excitement that powers may really exist.

When I imagine a handicap on a power, I think that one could still have that power, but not in a totally efficient way. Then I don't feel so bad for not having powers.

• What if there is a boy in Massachusetts who has the ability to fly, but during flight he is only able to move 5mph? He would be able to reach things, but not zoom across the country..

• What if there is a woman in Portland who has X-ray vision, but she can only see a maximum of 10 yards away when using her ability? If she wanted to use her gift, she it would be pretty obvious in some cases...

• What if there is a man in Chicago who is able to run at the speed of sound, but he has OCD and must come to a complete stop every mile to untie and re-tie his shoes?

• What if there is a girl in Phoenix who can hear people's thoughts, but she has Tourette's Syndrome, and she screams, "I'M IN YOUR HEAD" when she reads minds?

Believing that people with special powers are also subject to a handicap makes me think that I might have a handicapped special power.. I have always wondered. Maybe I do - and maybe someone very close to me has special powers, but we just don't know. The reason we don't know this is probably because we assume the skill or ability that we have is normal to everyone. In past think time I have reflected on my life and have come to believe that I actually do have a few special powers.

I have noticed that on summer nights, when everyone else is complaning about being "eaten alive" by mosquitos, I am unharmed and comfortable. This can only mean that my sweat glands are able to produce a potent repellant only detectable by insects. My handicap is that when I do sweat, it's not nice to my clothes. For some reason, some of my dress shirts look like they have glitter pits.. go figure.

Also, I believe that I have the ability to run efficiently on very little sleep. I can limit myself to as little as 3 hours of sleep per night for a week or so. All while waking up fully recharged. My only handicap is that it kills my immune system and end up sick on the couch for 2-3 days. I'm still working out the kinks of this special power.

If you feel handicapped, search for your power. I am certain it's there.

Good luck & Stay Regular