BENJAMANIPULATE

Pronunciation: \benˈ-jə-mə-ni-pyə-ˈlāt\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): ben·ja·ma·nip·u·lat·ed; ben·ja·ma·nip·u·lat·ing
Etymology: ultimately from Latin manipulus, back-formation from the chronic necessity to repeat information delivered by voice mail due to a failure of receipt by the intended party.
Date of origin: July 28, 2009
1: to skillfully manage or control another in artful means by way of delivering an insidious password-activated promise into the voice mailbox of an individual's cellular telephone.

— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·lat·able \-ˌlā-tə-bəl\ adjective
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tion \-ˌni-pyə-ˈlā-shən\ noun
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tive \-ˈni-pyə-ˌlā-tiv, -lə-\ adjective
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tive·ly adverb
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tive·ness noun
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tor \-ˌlā-tər\ noun
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·to·ry \-lə-ˌtōr-ē, -ˌtȯr-\ adjective

Benjamanipulative voice mail basic form:

"(Greeting). It is now (time and date), the password is (chosen obscure password). If (chosen terms), then (chosen promise). Otherwise, nothing. (Closing)."

Benjamanipulative voice mail example:

"Hey, Ben, it is just after noon on Tuesday the 28th. You never check these, so guess what: the password is Petunia. If this is the next word you say to me, no matter the circumstances, I will treat you to dinner at the time and place of your choice. This offer is only good on these terms. Good luck, my friend."

It is important that the Benjamanipulation is left secret until discovered by the intended party. Remember, the intent is to educate and manage the chosen party towards voice mail diligence. It is important to set feasable terms, unless the probability is in favor of the Benjamanipulator. The higher the stakes, the more successful the Benjamanipulation. Beware of the rare occurance of successful receipt.

See also: gamble

Consider yourself lucky to be informed before falling victim. I invite you to spread the word. It is your choice, but it is more enjoyable for Benjamanipulation to gain popularity by way of use, rather than simple education.

Enjoy.

FACEBOOKERY

Today is your lucky day! Go on - mark it in your callendar - as the day you were introduced to the greatest internet games this side of the national administration milestone.

We all know that everyone and their step-mother is on facebook. I love that there are birth year options in the personal info that are not even reasonable. Included in this facebook database are all of our past, present and future employers. Yes, they've tapped in, and have taken their ladle of the Kool-aid. It is a very wise decision, though. It is good for them to be in synchronization with today's society. I used to think that facebook profiles should not be used by companies to determine whether or not we are good employees. Now I believe that If any employer ever judges me based on the content that I post to my profile, then I deserve whatever is coming to me. I definitely should not be upset, and I should take note that I would probably not fit well with that company anyway. Its a different story if I am ever fired or not hired because of content that someone else posts to my profile. We all should get a grace period to remove any unwanted or defamatory content. Especially because both photoshop and facebookery exist. I'm sure that I did not invent these games, but they originated in my life when some of my fb-friends became noticeably careless with their accounts. I play these games because I love them. With facebookery there are only two big rules. 1) Be playful, but also respectful. The victims set the level of crudity. Do not overstep their precedent. 2) Do not go to the pool if you are going to complain about getting wet. In other words, do not get upset if you are a victim (unless rules are broken). Abide by these rules and have some fun.

Log on to facebook and let the games begin:

Game 1 - Status Quo Gent

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When you find yourself at the news feed, you see an infinite list of status updates. Its a battle royale involving attention whores and braggin' brigadiers. The fight for the top of the recently updated list is rewarded by securing a fresh spot in our minds, but it comes at a price. Poorly worded, and unedited status updates are very vulnerable. They are susceptible to attack by anyone, especially Status Quo Gents. We do not act gentlemanly, and our comments are not a quotient, but a product. The game play consists of leaving a comment that is a multiplication of the literal interpretation of a chosen status and our immeasurable wit - all while preserving status quo. This is an art form. Don't go crazy. Most of the time its just answering a rhetorical question or providing a gentle smack to curb stupidity, but sometimes other things are too good to pass up...

Game 2 - Tagrageous

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This game is easy. It is fun AND it teaches people a lesson in profile security. Game play = 1) Tag yourself in pictures that aren't of you. 2) Tag others in pictures that aren't of them. There are some people who have FML in their statuses and want people to think that they really love their Ls. They want us all to be jealous of them. I believe that nobody should ever post honeymoon pictures on stupid facebook unless there was some actual consideration of inviting friends to come with. There are people who post two to three albums of said "private" event. So when they do, lets tag ourselves in the picture with them. We can be one of the people way in the background who remain untagged. Why not? They seemed to be having fun, and more often than not, the invitation to join is right there below the picture labeled: "Tag This Photo."

Game 3 - Incomplete Update

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This game is very fun. Update your status to read an incomplete sentence similar to the example for Game 1. My personal favorite is to use the mad lib method.

What ever method you use, you're bound to get some humorous feedback... Ahh.. facebook...

GET GYPPED

HYPOCRISY CLUB

Ask the next guy you see what his favorite movie is. Chances are that you will experience one of two different types of responses. Response A is a quick list reading of highly masculine movies that are no doubt playing this week on Spike TV (before or after Pros vs Joes). Response B is a slight look upward and to the right where he will furrow his brow and devote a second or two to think about a truly honest answer. The funny thing if the response included the mentioning of the movie Fight Club. This is just me, but Fight Club has secured a spot in my top 5.

If Fight Club is mentioned as a favorite, the fun part is asking why. The common answer - I'm betting - is that it is just a good masculine movie because a group of perfectly built guys get together to fight and break things. I have heard vague responses that it is just a bad ass movie. Some dudes might proclaim that this movie is their number one, but they pack themselves into gyms and try to look like Brad Pitt by lifting weights or buying designer clothing. Some might want to drive social status cars and wear social status clothing. The reason that this movie is in my top 5 is because of this exact fact. As a whole Fight Club is - in fact - very bad ass. It is quite the guy movie. The absolute best thing about it though, is the moral of the story. It is an attractive way to deliver a very wholesome message.

The Narrator has a typical day job as the typical American. He is very content with his life pattern as a very typical American consumer. He lives well above his means and is very materialistic. He feels completion in the items he purchases. Indirectly through a dire need, he meets Tyler Durdin. Tyler is not the opposite, but he is very close to it . They meet at a diner and Tyler hits the point and moral to the entire movie (29 minutes - 31 minutes: 30 seconds). He has an extremely realistic view on life, and tells everyone of us watching that we are too materialistic. He says,

"We are consumers. We are by-products of Lifestyle Obsession. Murder, crime, poverty.. these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels.. I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let's evolve - let the chips fall where they may."

He also mentions the irony that the things we own end up owning us. I suggest we all write that down. I may be speculating, but I have noticed recently that many people around me are stretching their Lifestyle Obsessions above and beyond their financial means in order to paint another coat of pretend success over their insecurity graffiti. All of this is in an attempt to prove to others and themselves that they are not affected by the down turn of the economy. My recommendation is that we stop digging the grave deeper and take a two hour break from our lives to watch this movie from a different perspective. Or at the very least, reassess our material dependencies.

Think about the movie message:

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken... You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive..."

Logging hours in a gym to look like a decathlete doesn't mean that you can run a five minute mile. Building up your chest to look like a famous wide receiver doesn't matter if your legs don't fill out your slim fit jeans. I prefer to have a body type that is a result of performing or training for physical activities that I enjoy. We are not defined by our professions, posessions, nor financial worth. We are, however, defined by your actions and morals.

Tyler says that he doesn't want to have some guy's name on his underwear. I have never paid $40 for a T-Shirt, and I hope that nobody ever does. Think about this: Brad Pitt's wardrobe in the movie was intended to seem as though he only shopped thrift stores.

"Its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

Hate me for noticing this, but I have come to this entire revelation after watching this movie yet again. This quote is quite reminiscent of the book of Luke, chapter 18, verse 22. I am also reminded of one of the best birthday presents that I have ever received. My friend Jon once gave me a thrift store gift card: a $10 bill.

TRAFFIC GEM

A LONG ONE TO START THINGS OFF

CONTENTS:

- Disclaimer
- Origin
- Direction

Before you get anal, this is not a place for me to post profound products of pondering during personal poop-time. Granted, there is a great chance that this may include the aforementioned, but that only makes it better. You'll see.

-

It has recently come to my attention that nothing can wait in the world anymore. Phone calls interrupt everything. Multi-tasking has become so popular that crazy chore combinations are being praised for increasing productivity, no matter the level danger involved. Runners take musical accompaniment to get their minds off of things, but can they hear a siren or a honking horn? Shaving and checking split ends while driving was just the beginning - now its facebooking and mapquesting.

It may just be my perception, but within the last quarter-century the definition of killing time has evolved enough to warrant a name change. Instead of wandering aimlessly during a forced waiting period we are making sure that the next item from the list can be marked as complete. If the list was forgotten, or does not exist, then list fabrication begins (or we just pull our phone out and either stalk our "friends" or tell the world about how boring we are).

The metaphoric bottom line is that there is an abundance of clicking going on in bathroom stalls. It is not the nun wandering the halls warning the misbehaved like a snake with its rattle. It is the newly developed addiction of connection. Majoratively speaking, none of us take time out of our day just to think any more. I say we stop and take a breath.

-

Lets schedule some think time. It can be any time, and in any place. Music is awesome, but why not turn off the radio during the next solo auto commute. We will not only give ourselves time to think, but we will also hear sounds that are not available with radio tunage.

This blog is a place to display the product of scheduled thinkage. It may not be worth your time, and If so, I'm not offended.

If you've read this, then consider it a healthy dose of thought fiber to encourage smooth thinking.