START ONE ONE OFF WITH FUN

During my recent thinkage in the past two months, mainly during the composition of a resolution list for myself for the year, I have started thinking about a new decade resolution list. I have become uncomfortably aware of some things in this world that have snuck their way into this new decade, despite being out dated. The shelf life on many goings-on has reached its end, but I have carefully collected a few to encorporate into some changes that I would like to help make. We have all made New Year's resolutions, but lets make some new decade resolutions. Starting... Now!

1 - LET'S STOP USING THE WORD "LIKE" AS A SPACE FILLER

This 'ism probably dates back to the early nineties and should have died well before we all were presumed to have our own hover boards. It has certainly grown from the gum chewing, hair twirling valley girls at Bayside into the mouths of elected officials. Public speaking has been infiltrated, and any "..um" space has only been replaced with "...like, um.." The proper way to stall is to not say anything. At the very least just start the sentence over. But, to like say like the word "like" like twenty times in a sentence is like getting pretty annoying. Then again, so are the people who count the "likes" (I'm very guilty).

On a side note: it really is possible that stories can be told in a way that captures a subject's mood without sounding like an idiot. For instance:

Before 2011 - "So, I was like "what?!" and she was all like "oh, you know."

Starting 2011 - "So, she rudely asked me what I was talking about, so I said, "Oh, you know."

2 - LET'S STOP MAKING SONGS THAT SPELL OUT WORDS

To my knowledge, ever since iTunes has ruled the music purchasing world, the $.99 download has been the hot item. Some artist's are cranking out music by the litter, and they're all geniuses because the public gobbles them all up. Its demand and supply. There is a need for a catchy tune with a fun chorus to sing, so artists just make a beat and throw something together. If you have a tough time selling, then throw in some autotune and call it a day. Its as easy as "I'm on a Boat."

The annoying thing is that too many songs have filled up space by spelling words. It started off tasteful, but then it got ridiculous, and it hasn't grown any better. Think of all the songs that fit this mold:

Aretha Franklin - "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"

Bay City Rollers - "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!"

Autovac - "R-O-CK in the U-S-A"

Partners in Kryme - "T-U-R-T-L-E POWER"

Fergie - "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S"

Gwen Stefani - "B-A-N-A-N-A-S"

Webbie - "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T"

Jason Derulo - "S-O-L-O"

Please no more.

3 - LET'S STOP SPEAKING ACRONISTICALLY

Acronyms are given to phrases or multi-word names in order to shorten them for ease of communication. This can either be written or spoken communication. For instance, "self contained underwater breathing apparatus" was given the acronym SCUBA, and "light amplification stimulated by emission of radiation" was given the acronym LASER. In both cases, the letters making up the acronym have created a new word. This is how it is done. The acronym OMG was conceived in order to ease text type, which is understandable. But when did it become cool to say "Oh em gee?" There's really no logical reason to ever say it because the acronym spoken as letters uses the same amount of syllables as the words themselves. To speak the letters of WTF is actually using more work than its word association - its actually two more syllables. If its a matter of preservation of little ears, then I'm sure its a lost cause because those ears are on either side of an inquisitive mind, and you will then have to lie and say the "F" stands for fruit. Besides, its easier just say "What the F?" Sadly, its only getting worse. We're already making reference to television shows by speaking their acronyms - where can we ever draw the line if we don't nip this in the bud right now? I admit that I sometimes have a lot of fun with this, but I feel that I need to stop.

4 - LET'S START BEING MORE TECH-CURTEOUS TO EACHOTHER

I admit that when I'm driving down the road and I see another person texting in the car next to me, I get pretty upset. I'm not very confident in that particular person's ability to control a motor vehicle with two eyes back and forth from the road to the phone. However, I have full confidence that I can effectively knee steer while tying the laces on my left shoe as I'm running late. In light of the texting while walking accident, I feel like we've hit our low point. The technology hype has had its time to come and go. Our excitement with the new toys can understandably take over every waking moment. With the start of the new decade, lets be smart and tell these gizmos whos boss. Lets put them down and be curteous to eachother. All of us have horns for emergencies, and not for hipocritical anger. Some people are in a hurry, and some people are just out for a cruise, but we're all part of the same traffic. I'm going to start leaving earlier to make sure I can have enough time to get where I'm going, and I'm going to act like the driver that I want you to be. I encourage everyone to adopt the same behavior.

5 - LET'S ELIMINATE TROPHIES FOR PARTICIPATION

No child left behind is, in some ways, similar to coddling. Tell me how hearing "You're not a loser, you're just the last winner" makes a kid feel any better. And how does the kid who put in the extra effort feel about getting a trophy for winning when its only slightly bigger than the 5th place trophy. There's no incentive to work hard because everyone is basically equal. Competitions are starting to become as socialized as the government. I understand that in some cases its about an organization making money, but how about being popular with prestige and not by offering fabulous prizes?

Lets go back to a trophy for first place, a medal for second and third, and participation ribbons for everyone else - if they're lucky. This is what builds character.

My intent here is not to be negative. Its tough love, I suppose. Lets throw out everything that has spoiled. 'cause we're starting to rot. Lets look back and laugh at the silliness that was the Double-Os, or the Oughts, or the '90s extended..

PLAN SHOPPING

In 1960 The Miracles wrote the song Shop Around. Its primarily about a long line of teaching that women need to find the best bargain with a man.

Shopping is a good thing. Its smart to look for the best deal. The definition of a deal varies greatly with reasons both real and fake, but its still good to shop for it. For all practical purposes, shopping can be called sport to some.

Of course if it truly is a sport, then it has a high female participation, similar to that of the wild - where the lioness does the majority of the hunting. And I'm sure there is a male reciprocal where a guy walks in the door - knows exactly what he wants - picks it up - pays for it, and goes home. Don't talk to him. Don't flash new items in his face. He has one purpose, and it is not to be distracted.

But, because of its hunter-gatherer mentality, shopping is quite impersonal. It needs to stay on this animate to inanimate relationship. Because of the recent tendency for it not to, there seems to be a new sport emerging that I like to call Plan Shopping. I understand that a plan is somewhat of an inanimate object, but this contract directly relates to both parties within. It is a form of shopping that is very personal. Participation includes boys and girls of all ages, and Its inclusion is growing quite rapidly. Contrarily, its popularity is remaining very low on all polls. The purpose of plan shopping seems to be the same as any other form of shopping. It has the usual get-the-best-deal-possible-because-I-want-to-look-out-for-me-because-I'm-number-one mentality. This mentality is terrible because it objectifies friends and family.

I expect that the typical plan shopping conversation plays to the tune of:

A) "What are you doing tonight?"

B) "Nothing much, not sure yet, why? what's up?"

A) "Just calling to see what you were doing... Wanna hang later?"

B) " ...Oh, well I do have to do this thing with these guys.. I'm not sure yet. I'll call you later if I'm free "

What? "Nothing Much" evolved into "Kinda Something" within seconds. This conversation tells me, "Well.., you were in the running for my priority, that's why I heard you out, but you didn't have a strong enough offer, so you didn't make the cut. Sorry. I'll just keep my options open."

We all plan shop one way or another, but why do we do it? We all know that it has put us in a sticky situation in the past by hurting our friends or making us feel over booked. Still, why do we continue to play this sport if we know that its so passively violent?

There are other ways to plan shop without directly shopping. See conversation 2:

A) "Do you have plans for the evening?"

B) "None that I know of."

None that you know of!? If you don't remember them, then they aren't very important. When you blow me off for them later I will feel devastated. It makes me feel like your presence is in high demand, or you are heavily sponsored. Obviously you are contractually obligated to make appearances, and your assistant keeps your schedule. I understand that you haven't talked to said assistant yet today. It makes sense now that you don't know of any plans yet. That's life, I guess. Congratulations on your success.

All joking aside, it seems that the cost of admission into the sport of plan shopping is our own personal integrity. Lets keep the bargain hunting out of our social life. My momma told me that I better shop around, but I suggest we retire and keep our word as our bond.

BENJAMANIPULATE

Pronunciation: \benˈ-jə-mə-ni-pyə-ˈlāt\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): ben·ja·ma·nip·u·lat·ed; ben·ja·ma·nip·u·lat·ing
Etymology: ultimately from Latin manipulus, back-formation from the chronic necessity to repeat information delivered by voice mail due to a failure of receipt by the intended party.
Date of origin: July 28, 2009
1: to skillfully manage or control another in artful means by way of delivering an insidious password-activated promise into the voice mailbox of an individual's cellular telephone.

— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·lat·able \-ˌlā-tə-bəl\ adjective
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tion \-ˌni-pyə-ˈlā-shən\ noun
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tive \-ˈni-pyə-ˌlā-tiv, -lə-\ adjective
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tive·ly adverb
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tive·ness noun
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·tor \-ˌlā-tər\ noun
— ben·ja·ma·nip·u·la·to·ry \-lə-ˌtōr-ē, -ˌtȯr-\ adjective

Benjamanipulative voice mail basic form:

"(Greeting). It is now (time and date), the password is (chosen obscure password). If (chosen terms), then (chosen promise). Otherwise, nothing. (Closing)."

Benjamanipulative voice mail example:

"Hey, Ben, it is just after noon on Tuesday the 28th. You never check these, so guess what: the password is Petunia. If this is the next word you say to me, no matter the circumstances, I will treat you to dinner at the time and place of your choice. This offer is only good on these terms. Good luck, my friend."

It is important that the Benjamanipulation is left secret until discovered by the intended party. Remember, the intent is to educate and manage the chosen party towards voice mail diligence. It is important to set feasable terms, unless the probability is in favor of the Benjamanipulator. The higher the stakes, the more successful the Benjamanipulation. Beware of the rare occurance of successful receipt.

See also: gamble

Consider yourself lucky to be informed before falling victim. I invite you to spread the word. It is your choice, but it is more enjoyable for Benjamanipulation to gain popularity by way of use, rather than simple education.

Enjoy.

FACEBOOKERY

Today is your lucky day! Go on - mark it in your callendar - as the day you were introduced to the greatest internet games this side of the national administration milestone.

We all know that everyone and their step-mother is on facebook. I love that there are birth year options in the personal info that are not even reasonable. Included in this facebook database are all of our past, present and future employers. Yes, they've tapped in, and have taken their ladle of the Kool-aid. It is a very wise decision, though. It is good for them to be in synchronization with today's society. I used to think that facebook profiles should not be used by companies to determine whether or not we are good employees. Now I believe that If any employer ever judges me based on the content that I post to my profile, then I deserve whatever is coming to me. I definitely should not be upset, and I should take note that I would probably not fit well with that company anyway. Its a different story if I am ever fired or not hired because of content that someone else posts to my profile. We all should get a grace period to remove any unwanted or defamatory content. Especially because both photoshop and facebookery exist. I'm sure that I did not invent these games, but they originated in my life when some of my fb-friends became noticeably careless with their accounts. I play these games because I love them. With facebookery there are only two big rules. 1) Be playful, but also respectful. The victims set the level of crudity. Do not overstep their precedent. 2) Do not go to the pool if you are going to complain about getting wet. In other words, do not get upset if you are a victim (unless rules are broken). Abide by these rules and have some fun.

Log on to facebook and let the games begin:

Game 1 - Status Quo Gent

>

When you find yourself at the news feed, you see an infinite list of status updates. Its a battle royale involving attention whores and braggin' brigadiers. The fight for the top of the recently updated list is rewarded by securing a fresh spot in our minds, but it comes at a price. Poorly worded, and unedited status updates are very vulnerable. They are susceptible to attack by anyone, especially Status Quo Gents. We do not act gentlemanly, and our comments are not a quotient, but a product. The game play consists of leaving a comment that is a multiplication of the literal interpretation of a chosen status and our immeasurable wit - all while preserving status quo. This is an art form. Don't go crazy. Most of the time its just answering a rhetorical question or providing a gentle smack to curb stupidity, but sometimes other things are too good to pass up...

Game 2 - Tagrageous

>

This game is easy. It is fun AND it teaches people a lesson in profile security. Game play = 1) Tag yourself in pictures that aren't of you. 2) Tag others in pictures that aren't of them. There are some people who have FML in their statuses and want people to think that they really love their Ls. They want us all to be jealous of them. I believe that nobody should ever post honeymoon pictures on stupid facebook unless there was some actual consideration of inviting friends to come with. There are people who post two to three albums of said "private" event. So when they do, lets tag ourselves in the picture with them. We can be one of the people way in the background who remain untagged. Why not? They seemed to be having fun, and more often than not, the invitation to join is right there below the picture labeled: "Tag This Photo."

Game 3 - Incomplete Update

>

This game is very fun. Update your status to read an incomplete sentence similar to the example for Game 1. My personal favorite is to use the mad lib method.

What ever method you use, you're bound to get some humorous feedback... Ahh.. facebook...

GET GYPPED

HYPOCRISY CLUB

Ask the next guy you see what his favorite movie is. Chances are that you will experience one of two different types of responses. Response A is a quick list reading of highly masculine movies that are no doubt playing this week on Spike TV (before or after Pros vs Joes). Response B is a slight look upward and to the right where he will furrow his brow and devote a second or two to think about a truly honest answer. The funny thing if the response included the mentioning of the movie Fight Club. This is just me, but Fight Club has secured a spot in my top 5.

If Fight Club is mentioned as a favorite, the fun part is asking why. The common answer - I'm betting - is that it is just a good masculine movie because a group of perfectly built guys get together to fight and break things. I have heard vague responses that it is just a bad ass movie. Some dudes might proclaim that this movie is their number one, but they pack themselves into gyms and try to look like Brad Pitt by lifting weights or buying designer clothing. Some might want to drive social status cars and wear social status clothing. The reason that this movie is in my top 5 is because of this exact fact. As a whole Fight Club is - in fact - very bad ass. It is quite the guy movie. The absolute best thing about it though, is the moral of the story. It is an attractive way to deliver a very wholesome message.

The Narrator has a typical day job as the typical American. He is very content with his life pattern as a very typical American consumer. He lives well above his means and is very materialistic. He feels completion in the items he purchases. Indirectly through a dire need, he meets Tyler Durdin. Tyler is not the opposite, but he is very close to it . They meet at a diner and Tyler hits the point and moral to the entire movie (29 minutes - 31 minutes: 30 seconds). He has an extremely realistic view on life, and tells everyone of us watching that we are too materialistic. He says,

"We are consumers. We are by-products of Lifestyle Obsession. Murder, crime, poverty.. these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels.. I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let's evolve - let the chips fall where they may."

He also mentions the irony that the things we own end up owning us. I suggest we all write that down. I may be speculating, but I have noticed recently that many people around me are stretching their Lifestyle Obsessions above and beyond their financial means in order to paint another coat of pretend success over their insecurity graffiti. All of this is in an attempt to prove to others and themselves that they are not affected by the down turn of the economy. My recommendation is that we stop digging the grave deeper and take a two hour break from our lives to watch this movie from a different perspective. Or at the very least, reassess our material dependencies.

Think about the movie message:

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken... You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive..."

Logging hours in a gym to look like a decathlete doesn't mean that you can run a five minute mile. Building up your chest to look like a famous wide receiver doesn't matter if your legs don't fill out your slim fit jeans. I prefer to have a body type that is a result of performing or training for physical activities that I enjoy. We are not defined by our professions, posessions, nor financial worth. We are, however, defined by your actions and morals.

Tyler says that he doesn't want to have some guy's name on his underwear. I have never paid $40 for a T-Shirt, and I hope that nobody ever does. Think about this: Brad Pitt's wardrobe in the movie was intended to seem as though he only shopped thrift stores.

"Its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

Hate me for noticing this, but I have come to this entire revelation after watching this movie yet again. This quote is quite reminiscent of the book of Luke, chapter 18, verse 22. I am also reminded of one of the best birthday presents that I have ever received. My friend Jon once gave me a thrift store gift card: a $10 bill.

TRAFFIC GEM