ARCHARCADE

I like to pat myself on the back sometimes for my ability to remember things. Sometimes I can recall that Dad left his 20oz Diet Pepsi on the shelf in the magazine aisle when we went into visit Mom at work. Other times I can resurrect unique third grade knowledge to help me answer trivia questions, or just to be a smartass. I sometimes like to bring up the order of operations and state that 2+2x2=6 and not 8. I also like to brag that I can remember that SCUBA stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. And that "goldenrod adorned log" is a palindrome sentence.

However, in the past few years I have stumbled upon some things that I do not know, and things that I can't seem to remember. Things that I have no way of figuring out. Things that only God knows about... so I have developed a theory. A wish, if I may.

I believe that once St. Peter let's me thru the gates of heaven, there will be a huge terminal and a long line of automated statistic machines. I will run up to any one of these and it will already know who I am by face recognition or some other heavenly magical technique. I can type in and ask it any question and POOF! it will give me the answer. For instance, I can ask, "How did I lose my iPod in 2007?" It will respond with a 3rd person video of the events leading up to and including the separation of me from my iPod. This video will be in the form of a John Madden video game replay where I can stop, play, or rewind the video, as well as move frame by frame as I please. I will be able to control the camera angle from any position above, below or around during the playback. I can choose to hear the actual dialogue or the thoughts of the parties involved. I can even choose to fixate on the iPod itself to find out where it is now. The statistic machine will also give me a readout of good vs bad on the situation. Perhaps it will tell me that if I had kept my iPod, then a few months later I might have kept my eyes on it (and not on the road) just long enough to cause a serious accident.

And if I ask, "in terms of volume, how much have I peed during my lifetime?" then the Archarcade will show me a colorful graph comparing liquid intake vs output. I can then further break down the information to see the levels of each liquid type that I have consumed. Who knows, it might even show that i have actually ingested pee (gross). As an added bonus I can also see my personal record for longest pee time (I'm guessing that it's close to a minute and a half).

So after having developed a complete idea for the Archarcade, I have become very eager to have some questions answered. Naturally, I have started to develop a list of things that I would like to plug into this machine, and not surprisingly, it keeps growing. This is what I have so far:

1) What ever happened to my high school soccer jersey with my last name on the back? Did I lose it in a move, or did someone take it? Where is it now?

2) What long term purpose did my parked car serve when the lady hit it while texting and driving?
- a) what about 44 days later when the drunk/high guy hit my replacement car parked in the same spot?

3) Have I had any close calls with death that I don't know about?

4) What percentage of my life have I been asleep?
- a) What is the longest stretch of time that I have been awake. What is the world record?

5) What percentage of my life have I been drunk? How did I compare on a worldly average?

4) How many spiders have I eaten in my sleep?

5) What would God consider my best day on Earth?

6) How much money have I found in my lifetime? Who lost it before I found it? Were they able to get by?

So that's what I think about on my spare time. More revelations to come.

Stay regular.