ARCHARCADE

I like to pat myself on the back sometimes for my ability to remember things. Sometimes I can recall that Dad left his 20oz Diet Pepsi on the shelf in the magazine aisle when we went into visit Mom at work. Other times I can resurrect unique third grade knowledge to help me answer trivia questions, or just to be a smartass. I sometimes like to bring up the order of operations and state that 2+2x2=6 and not 8. I also like to brag that I can remember that SCUBA stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. And that "goldenrod adorned log" is a palindrome sentence.

However, in the past few years I have stumbled upon some things that I do not know, and things that I can't seem to remember. Things that I have no way of figuring out. Things that only God knows about... so I have developed a theory. A wish, if I may.

I believe that once St. Peter let's me thru the gates of heaven, there will be a huge terminal and a long line of automated statistic machines. I will run up to any one of these and it will already know who I am by face recognition or some other heavenly magical technique. I can type in and ask it any question and POOF! it will give me the answer. For instance, I can ask, "How did I lose my iPod in 2007?" It will respond with a 3rd person video of the events leading up to and including the separation of me from my iPod. This video will be in the form of a John Madden video game replay where I can stop, play, or rewind the video, as well as move frame by frame as I please. I will be able to control the camera angle from any position above, below or around during the playback. I can choose to hear the actual dialogue or the thoughts of the parties involved. I can even choose to fixate on the iPod itself to find out where it is now. The statistic machine will also give me a readout of good vs bad on the situation. Perhaps it will tell me that if I had kept my iPod, then a few months later I might have kept my eyes on it (and not on the road) just long enough to cause a serious accident.

And if I ask, "in terms of volume, how much have I peed during my lifetime?" then the Archarcade will show me a colorful graph comparing liquid intake vs output. I can then further break down the information to see the levels of each liquid type that I have consumed. Who knows, it might even show that i have actually ingested pee (gross). As an added bonus I can also see my personal record for longest pee time (I'm guessing that it's close to a minute and a half).

So after having developed a complete idea for the Archarcade, I have become very eager to have some questions answered. Naturally, I have started to develop a list of things that I would like to plug into this machine, and not surprisingly, it keeps growing. This is what I have so far:

1) What ever happened to my high school soccer jersey with my last name on the back? Did I lose it in a move, or did someone take it? Where is it now?

2) What long term purpose did my parked car serve when the lady hit it while texting and driving?
- a) what about 44 days later when the drunk/high guy hit my replacement car parked in the same spot?

3) Have I had any close calls with death that I don't know about?

4) What percentage of my life have I been asleep?
- a) What is the longest stretch of time that I have been awake. What is the world record?

5) What percentage of my life have I been drunk? How did I compare on a worldly average?

4) How many spiders have I eaten in my sleep?

5) What would God consider my best day on Earth?

6) How much money have I found in my lifetime? Who lost it before I found it? Were they able to get by?

So that's what I think about on my spare time. More revelations to come.

Stay regular.

EFFECTIVE PARENT COMMUNICATION

MOTHERLESS MADNESS

START ONE ONE OFF WITH FUN

During my recent thinkage in the past two months, mainly during the composition of a resolution list for myself for the year, I have started thinking about a new decade resolution list. I have become uncomfortably aware of some things in this world that have snuck their way into this new decade, despite being out dated. The shelf life on many goings-on has reached its end, but I have carefully collected a few to encorporate into some changes that I would like to help make. We have all made New Year's resolutions, but lets make some new decade resolutions. Starting... Now!

1 - LET'S STOP USING THE WORD "LIKE" AS A SPACE FILLER

This 'ism probably dates back to the early nineties and should have died well before we all were presumed to have our own hover boards. It has certainly grown from the gum chewing, hair twirling valley girls at Bayside into the mouths of elected officials. Public speaking has been infiltrated, and any "..um" space has only been replaced with "...like, um.." The proper way to stall is to not say anything. At the very least just start the sentence over. But, to like say like the word "like" like twenty times in a sentence is like getting pretty annoying. Then again, so are the people who count the "likes" (I'm very guilty).

On a side note: it really is possible that stories can be told in a way that captures a subject's mood without sounding like an idiot. For instance:

Before 2011 - "So, I was like "what?!" and she was all like "oh, you know."

Starting 2011 - "So, she rudely asked me what I was talking about, so I said, "Oh, you know."

2 - LET'S STOP MAKING SONGS THAT SPELL OUT WORDS

To my knowledge, ever since iTunes has ruled the music purchasing world, the $.99 download has been the hot item. Some artist's are cranking out music by the litter, and they're all geniuses because the public gobbles them all up. Its demand and supply. There is a need for a catchy tune with a fun chorus to sing, so artists just make a beat and throw something together. If you have a tough time selling, then throw in some autotune and call it a day. Its as easy as "I'm on a Boat."

The annoying thing is that too many songs have filled up space by spelling words. It started off tasteful, but then it got ridiculous, and it hasn't grown any better. Think of all the songs that fit this mold:

Aretha Franklin - "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"

Bay City Rollers - "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!"

Autovac - "R-O-CK in the U-S-A"

Partners in Kryme - "T-U-R-T-L-E POWER"

Fergie - "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S"

Gwen Stefani - "B-A-N-A-N-A-S"

Webbie - "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T"

Jason Derulo - "S-O-L-O"

Please no more.

3 - LET'S STOP SPEAKING ACRONISTICALLY

Acronyms are given to phrases or multi-word names in order to shorten them for ease of communication. This can either be written or spoken communication. For instance, "self contained underwater breathing apparatus" was given the acronym SCUBA, and "light amplification stimulated by emission of radiation" was given the acronym LASER. In both cases, the letters making up the acronym have created a new word. This is how it is done. The acronym OMG was conceived in order to ease text type, which is understandable. But when did it become cool to say "Oh em gee?" There's really no logical reason to ever say it because the acronym spoken as letters uses the same amount of syllables as the words themselves. To speak the letters of WTF is actually using more work than its word association - its actually two more syllables. If its a matter of preservation of little ears, then I'm sure its a lost cause because those ears are on either side of an inquisitive mind, and you will then have to lie and say the "F" stands for fruit. Besides, its easier just say "What the F?" Sadly, its only getting worse. We're already making reference to television shows by speaking their acronyms - where can we ever draw the line if we don't nip this in the bud right now? I admit that I sometimes have a lot of fun with this, but I feel that I need to stop.

4 - LET'S START BEING MORE TECH-CURTEOUS TO EACHOTHER

I admit that when I'm driving down the road and I see another person texting in the car next to me, I get pretty upset. I'm not very confident in that particular person's ability to control a motor vehicle with two eyes back and forth from the road to the phone. However, I have full confidence that I can effectively knee steer while tying the laces on my left shoe as I'm running late. In light of the texting while walking accident, I feel like we've hit our low point. The technology hype has had its time to come and go. Our excitement with the new toys can understandably take over every waking moment. With the start of the new decade, lets be smart and tell these gizmos whos boss. Lets put them down and be curteous to eachother. All of us have horns for emergencies, and not for hipocritical anger. Some people are in a hurry, and some people are just out for a cruise, but we're all part of the same traffic. I'm going to start leaving earlier to make sure I can have enough time to get where I'm going, and I'm going to act like the driver that I want you to be. I encourage everyone to adopt the same behavior.

5 - LET'S ELIMINATE TROPHIES FOR PARTICIPATION

No child left behind is, in some ways, similar to coddling. Tell me how hearing "You're not a loser, you're just the last winner" makes a kid feel any better. And how does the kid who put in the extra effort feel about getting a trophy for winning when its only slightly bigger than the 5th place trophy. There's no incentive to work hard because everyone is basically equal. Competitions are starting to become as socialized as the government. I understand that in some cases its about an organization making money, but how about being popular with prestige and not by offering fabulous prizes?

Lets go back to a trophy for first place, a medal for second and third, and participation ribbons for everyone else - if they're lucky. This is what builds character.

My intent here is not to be negative. Its tough love, I suppose. Lets throw out everything that has spoiled. 'cause we're starting to rot. Lets look back and laugh at the silliness that was the Double-Os, or the Oughts, or the '90s extended..